


Hogwartsstuck: John Egbert and the Totem Lathe's Cruxite| ON HIATUS INDEFINITELY

by dreamStealer (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Homestuck people in the wizarding world., LOTS OF SPOILERS, SPOILERS OKAY
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-03 03:23:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1065183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/dreamStealer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is JOHN.<br/>Today is your thirteenth BIRTHDAY, and any minute today, your letter from HOGWARTS will arrive.<br/>Your only obstacle is your DAD, who's a Muggle, and has no idea you're to go to Hogwarts. Your MOM was a witch, but she's been gone for a long time.<br/>==> Examine mailbox.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John: Begin

Chapter 1  
John: Begin

==> Examine mailbox

You look out your window to the front yard. It’s early spring, and the tree in your front yard is budding leaves, your tire swing swaying in the gentle wind.  
You peer down at the mailbox, the little red flag up. You grin happily.  
You’re about to go downstairs when the sound of a car engine alerts you that your dad has come back home from the grocery store.

Just wonderful. He’s beating you to the mail.

You decide to not get the mail now. If you go downstairs, your dad will probably keep you down there for hours, baking cakes with him. Betty Crocker cakes.  
The evil baking lady has brainwashed your dad, you’re sure of it.

Great. Now you’re stuck in this room.  
You turn your attention to your computer. Looks like your bro is pestering you again. Oh well, he can wait.

You look around your room at your CD tower, then pick up your bright and shiny copy of Colonel Sassacre’s Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery.  
You decide to ask help from the endless knowledge of the Colonel. Man, this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if someone dropped it.  
You’ll have to put it in your chest, but you’re not sure you want to crush all your stuff under it just yet. You set the book down and pick up your wand, setting it in the chest along with the robes and other things for school. The box from Ollivander’s takes up a large amount of the chest, and you still have plenty to pack.

Greeaaat.

You close the chest and sit down at your computer, opening MuggleTalk and changing your mood to ‘bully’. You don’t think the chest being filled up too much is enough of an issue for ‘rancorous’, but you still feel like MuggleChat should adjust moods when you do.  
‘Bully’ will do, you suppose.

Your MuggleChat app beeps, reminding you that your friend is still pestering you.

\-- turntechgodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 11: 26 –  
TG: is it there  
TG: plz say yes  
TG: maybe you can talk to TT shes been talking to me all day about it  
TG: shes making my head hurt with all her big words and stuff  
TG: she wants me i know it  
EB: yes dave, we all know you’re attractive. i am attracted to you  
TG: thank you  
EB: jk haha  
EB: no I don’t have it yet.  
EB: my dad’s downstairs with the mail and I guess I’ll have to go get it from the kitchen and see if it’s there.  
EB: and iv'e been spending all afternoon fiddling with my chest and trying to get all my things packed in  
TG: what kind of chest did you buy  
EB: huh?  
TG: is it magical  
EB: no, i just put stuff in.  
TG: just normal?? hahahahahaha  
EB: what’s yours got?  
TG: it’s a cool hash map chest with fancy spells and shit on it  
TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome  
EB: what the hell does that do?  
TG: you should probably brush up on your spells  
EB: i guess  
TG: did you at least get a wand  
EB: yeah  
TG: get some fancy spells or something to fix it up  
TG: oh wait i forgot your dads a muggle nvm  
EB: well duh  
\----  
You look up from your computer at the Wizarding poster on your wall.  
It’s a picture of the front of Hogwarts. You cannot wait until your letter arrives so you can get ready to go.  
You get up from your computer and walk over to your chest, opening it and taking out your hat.  
Ever since your mom introduced you to a real wizard, you’ve felt this silly magician’s hat didn’t quite measure up to theirs.  
You pick up your funny glasses too and get an idea.

You put them both on and grin. John? Who’s John? You know of no John here.

Yeah, this is a stupid disguise.

You walk out of your room and into the hallway, where all your dad’s crazy clown paintings hang. Harlequins, whatever.

You walk downstairs, a sickly sweet aroma wafting from the kitchen. It must be the work of your eternal enemy, Betty Crocker. This is going to be harder than you thought.

You glance around your living room at all these stupid clown statues. Why does Dad like these so much?  
A bright fire is lit in the fireplace, and you wish for a second that your mom would pop in through the Floo Network and say hi.  
She’s gone, though. But you have Nanna!

Well…Nanna’s ashes, that is.  
You look up on the mantel at the picture of your beloved grandmother. You catch your dad looking at it sometimes, but you know it brings back painful memories.

A tall bookshelf.  
A ladder.  
An unabridged Colonel Sassacre’s.  
He never talks about it.

You pick it up, and fumble with it, accidentally knocking it over. Nanna’s ashes spill over the mantel dramatically. Great.  
You’d better clean this up soon, before your dad comes to look for you.

You pick up your dad’s dusty pipe and add it to your nifty disguise. It can’t hurt.  
You look around some more and glance up at the tall gift-wrapped package. Whatever could it be.

*riptearshredRIIIP*

Oh great.  
Just another stupid harlequin.  
You set the harlequin on the couch, ignoring its glassy-eyed stare, and scoop up your Nanna’s ashes, putting them back in the urn.  
The urn is a bit ashy, but it looks pretty much the same.

Who are you kidding, you’ll get so busted for this.

You walk back upstairs to check on your computer again.

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12: 09  
TT: It has come to my attention that your letter will be arriving soon, today in fact.  
EB: that’s a lie.  
EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar and should apologize  
EB: and you should probably stop flirting with him all the time or whatever  
TT: I can’t help myself  
TT: I must have a weak spot for insufferable pricks  
EB: anyways i haven’t checked the mail yet, my dad has it with him in the kitchen  
EB: i’m trying to go get it from him, so i’ll be back  
TT: John.  
EB: what?  
TT: You’re wearing one of those disguises while conversing with me, aren’t you?  
TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something idiotic.  
EB: no, why would you think that?  
EB: that’s kinda stupid  
TT: Ok.  
TT: Why don’t you go acquire the letter from your parental guardian?  
EB: okay, wish me luck!  
EB: by the way…  
EB: jk i was wearing a funny disguise the whole time.  
EB: gotcha! hehehehe  
TT: I know, John.  
\-- tentcaleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12: 15

You go downstairs, throwing the present wrap in the fire for fuel.

You consider throwing the ugly harlequin in as well, but decide against it. Your dad would be pretty mad, and plus you can give it to one of your friends when you get to Hogwarts. They probably won’t know what it is.

You look around the room and decide to choose between two options of where your dad could be.  
The kitchen, which brings the scent of sinisterly sweet cake through the room, or your dad’s study. You poke your head into the study door.

Hmm. He’s not here right now, you guess.  
You look over his desk for the letter, but all you see is a deck of cards, one of your dad’s pipes, and a Serious Jester magazine.  
There is also a can of peanuts. Nice one, Dad. Not falling for that.  
Severe peanut allergies are no joking matter.  
You walk over to your dad’s hat rack and switch out the magician’s hat for the bowler hat.

Much more dignified.  
You walk over to the piano and play for a while, then have a go at the cards before leaving your dad’s study and going back into the living room.  
You decide it’s safe to go outside and see if the mail is still in the mailbox, and open the front door, smiling at the warm April breeze.

 

As pretty much expected, the mailbox is empty. Your dad beat you to the punch.  
Oh well.  
You check to see if your dad left the mail in the car, peering through the glass, as it’s locked, and you forgot to go get the keys.  
Yup. There is a nice little stack of papers, and at the bottom, a thick envelope beckons to you. Could this be it?  
You look through the kitchen window, but it’s kinda foggy, and hard to see through. Seems like the windows have fogged up from all that baking.

God, your dad is weird.

But you can see through to the breakfast table. It looks like the mail is here! There’s a red package, some bills, and an envelope stamped suspiciously with the Hogwarts label. Could it be?

Unfortunately, the window is locked.

You give up on your window-peeking and go inside again, the harlequin giving you a creepy stare as you shut the front door behind you.

You enter the kitchen, heart pounding and mind racing.

 

To be continued.


	2. John: Face your father

Chapter 2

John: Face your father

 

…  
…  
…  
“Son.”

SHIT.

“John, why are you wearing thablahblahblahblah---------"

shit shit shit he saw through your disguise run run run go WAIT 

the letter.

 

You stop straight in your attempts to escape the kitchen, duck under your dad’s arm and swipe the letter, then run upstairs as fast as you can.  
You hear him call you back, but ignore him, slamming the door to your room shut.  
You scoot over to your computer and open a MuggleChat memo, sending an invite to your friends.

Dave logs on first, then Rose.

[BETA SERVER MEMO]  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
TG: yo  
EB: hi dave!  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [TT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
TT: Hello, both of you.  
EB: hi rose!  
EB: as soon as GG gets here, I have something to tell you all  
TT: That seems fair. We would not want to leave her out of the loop.

==> John: Be Jade.

____________________________________________________________________

You are now Jade Harley.

You are sitting on the floor in your room, packing your chest for Hogwarts. Your Squiddles might have to stay behind. There’s not much room left, what with all the stuff you have in here. Your grandpa and older brother took you to Diagon Alley a while ago to get school stuff, and you came back with way too much stuff.

Your computer beeps behind you and you stand up, shutting the lid of your trunk and walking over.  
It's a message from John! The beta server memo.  
[BETA SERVER MEMO]  
CURRENT gardenGnostic [GG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
GG: hi guys!  
GG: what’s up? :)  
TG: john’s got a surprise   
GG: oh what is it?  
EB: hi jade!  
GG: hi! :)  
TT: I believe we are all here now.  
TG: hell yeah  
EB: alright, then here’s my surprise!  
EB: i got my letter!  
TG: whoa that’s awesome bro   
GG: yay! :)  
TT: Wonderful. Then you will be attending our semester.  
EB: yup!  
TG: cool man  
TG: shit bro’s home I have lessons  
TG: see you all later  
TG has ceased responding to memo.  
GG: i’ll see you guys at Hogwarts, then!   
TT: I as well.  
TT has ceased responding to memo.  
GG has ceased responding to memo.  
EB has ceased responding to memo

"Hey, lass."  
You look up. Your older brother, Jake, is standing in the doorway, his best friend, Dirk, behind him.  
"There's a box on the table for you, I think it's your robes."  
You scramble up from your desk, and run to the kitchen, Jake grinning as you go.   
The box is sitting on the table like Jake said, shiny wood cover and gold hinges. You flip the latch up and open it, taking out a folded black robe, a couple others beneath it. You pull the black one out and slip your arms through the sleeves, spinning in the swirling robe.  
"It's perfect.."  
Jake smiles.  
"Only one week until school starts."  
You nod, grinning.  
"Can't wait!"

 

End of Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short, but I have more coming up soon!  
> -Yume.

**Author's Note:**

> So, the problem with me, is I can't keep a story going for long, so you guys gotta review, or I really won't feel like writing if it seems like no one likes it.  
> So bear with me, and I'll have chapters coming up!
> 
> -Yume.


End file.
